Show a little respect!

Thank You!!!

Lemon Picker

The woman applying

for a job in a Florida

lemon grove seemed to be

far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said,

"I have to ask you this:

"Have you had any actual

experience in picking lemons?

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times,

owned 2 Hyundai's, and I

voted for Obama."

Bow to the King!

Who's the worst President?

My dad said, 'It’s hard to believe that in 15 months,

Obummer has replaced this man as the worst ever.
We’ve got another almost three years of sliding ahead of us.'

Here's one to make you laugh...

Late night is finally leaving George W. Bush alone! :0)

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--- Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.

The other is for housing prisoners.

--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--- David Letterman

Even simple robots get it!

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Bad day?

Did you say you were having a bad day?
Here....these will make you feel better!

Now, get back to work and stop complaining! :0)

This would have solved a lot of problems over the years!

Dead flies....

Someone with great imagination,

a ton of dead flies,

and a boring job

draws these to entertain bored
little kids like us!

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE
than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more
than 100%?

We have all been in situations
where someone wants you to

GIVE OVER 100%...
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical

formula that might help
answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N

O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of

God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge

will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God

that will put you over the top!

Maxine....you silly old bag!

A few funnies, but the last
one is my dad's favorite! :0)

Check their homework!!!

This is a note a teacher received. :0)

"Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now,
nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter
how hectic it was last week before the blizzard
hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel
we had, and then I found one more in the back
room, and that several people were fighting
over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around
a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last
snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework
more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

Men! :0)

TO Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the
edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking
at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again',
she replied, still looking
in the mirror .

On the morning of her
Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and
then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in
the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered
out of the theme park. Her head
was reeling and her stomach
felt upside down. He then took
her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What
a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed
into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with
a big smile and lovingly
asked, 'Well Dear, what was
it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and
her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress
size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

Short, but sweet!

Oh, Teddy. You are so wise!

102 years ago

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants
and being an AMERICAN in 1907.
'In the first place, we should insist
that if the immigrant who comes here
in good faith becomes an American and
assimilates himself to us, he shall
be treated on an exact equality with
everyone else, for it is an outrage to
discriminate against any such man
because of creed, or birthplace, or
origin. But this is predicated upon the
person's becoming in every facet an
American, and nothing but an American...
There can be no divided allegiance here.
Any man who says he is an American,
but something else also, isn't an American
at all. We have room for but one flag, the
American flag... We have room for but one
language here, and that is the English
language.. And we have room for but one
sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to
the American people.'
Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Prohibito!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

>IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
>IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
YOU GET SHOT.
>IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
 YOU WILL BE JAILED.
>IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY
 YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
>IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND
YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
>IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
>IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY 
YOU GET:
>* A JOB,
>* A DRIVERS LICENSE,
>* SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
>* WELFARE,
>* FOOD STAMPS,
>* CREDIT CARDS,
>* SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A
LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
>* FREE EDUCATION,
>* FREE HEALTH CARE,
>* A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
>* BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF
PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED
IN YOUR LANGUAGE
>* THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S
FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU
DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
>I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE 
I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

Puppy Power

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to mind control. If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.



Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

The American Flag fights back!

Please excuse the language....
but really! He is!!!

Hungry for Ice Cream?

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: "Barocky Road".

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream topping is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?